I crave your attention
just as I fear it,
wondering: what would you do
if you only knew?
I hear your laugh,
try to coax if from you
as a lover might coax a blush,
while despairing in the irony
that the only gift I can offer you
is the armor
I can’t help but hate.
I hate it as I love it.
I need it as I wish
that I could throw away
all such artifice.
Wish that I could
shed my sword and shield
all for you.
If you glance my way, though,
you might see me,
see a false man.
I fear your laughter
as much as I desire it.
For, if you see me,
you might use that glorious sound
as a weapon against me.
5/24/10
Euphemisms
I worship at your feet,
a grateful supplicant
at your holy shrine.
You stand tall, proud,
a radiant prophet.
I taste the salvation you offer,
heavy on my tongue,
and caress the cross
you permit me to hold,
with reverence.
I receive your gift;
my soul singing,
my heart pounding,
my body throbbing
in my ecstasy.
Suddenly, I realize,
I’ve waited my whole life
for this perfect moment
when you penetrated my defenses
and offered communion.
I savor your blessings,
swallowing you down
like medicine for my soul…
Then I wake, bereft,
panting, wanting
and still waiting,
hoping you will see fit
to save me.
a grateful supplicant
at your holy shrine.
You stand tall, proud,
a radiant prophet.
I taste the salvation you offer,
heavy on my tongue,
and caress the cross
you permit me to hold,
with reverence.
I receive your gift;
my soul singing,
my heart pounding,
my body throbbing
in my ecstasy.
Suddenly, I realize,
I’ve waited my whole life
for this perfect moment
when you penetrated my defenses
and offered communion.
I savor your blessings,
swallowing you down
like medicine for my soul…
Then I wake, bereft,
panting, wanting
and still waiting,
hoping you will see fit
to save me.
Hummingbird Moments
Forever chasing
my hummingbird moments;
those bright, jeweled feelings
that speed up and defeat me
as soon as I reach
my hand out to grab.
Like some clumsy child,
who easily stumbles
over hidden rocks
but struggles through
long, twisted fields of ivy,
I gamely leap after
my fast moving prize,
hoping that, one day,
my hummingbird moment
will stop long enough
for me to touch it.
my hummingbird moments;
those bright, jeweled feelings
that speed up and defeat me
as soon as I reach
my hand out to grab.
Like some clumsy child,
who easily stumbles
over hidden rocks
but struggles through
long, twisted fields of ivy,
I gamely leap after
my fast moving prize,
hoping that, one day,
my hummingbird moment
will stop long enough
for me to touch it.
Faith
I never drifted far
beyond my dream;
fearing the open spaces
not bound by walls,
but by limitations.
Here in my four walls of fantasy,
touching the stars is simple,
asking for love is safe,
smiling causes you to smile in turn,
not frown and turn away.
For out there,
you don’t exist;
in body, yes,
but not as mine.
Out there,
you scorned me for things I once said
and long to unsay;
in here, you card your fingers through my hair
and speak the words
that give me faith.
Now, you tell me why
I should choose to live
when living leaves me empty?
So, leave me to my dreaming,
my idol fantasy.
For faith is hard enough to come by
in a world not made
of your reality.
beyond my dream;
fearing the open spaces
not bound by walls,
but by limitations.
Here in my four walls of fantasy,
touching the stars is simple,
asking for love is safe,
smiling causes you to smile in turn,
not frown and turn away.
For out there,
you don’t exist;
in body, yes,
but not as mine.
Out there,
you scorned me for things I once said
and long to unsay;
in here, you card your fingers through my hair
and speak the words
that give me faith.
Now, you tell me why
I should choose to live
when living leaves me empty?
So, leave me to my dreaming,
my idol fantasy.
For faith is hard enough to come by
in a world not made
of your reality.
What Time Erased
Time rushes by me
like a swirling cloud.
Iconic nouns pass me by,
a discouraging mass of light and sound.
They were here,
but now they’re gone,
living only on the dark pathways of memory.
These people, things and places
have disappeared only to be replaced,
but the holes they left
cannot be filled with a different shape.
There will always be
a loneliness
and longing
for the familiar roads that time erased.
like a swirling cloud.
Iconic nouns pass me by,
a discouraging mass of light and sound.
They were here,
but now they’re gone,
living only on the dark pathways of memory.
These people, things and places
have disappeared only to be replaced,
but the holes they left
cannot be filled with a different shape.
There will always be
a loneliness
and longing
for the familiar roads that time erased.
Empty Rooms
Empty rooms…
Blank spaces, white walls and smooth floors.
Empty rooms I fill with things:
The long strings of unmade scarves,
The books I hadn’t thought to read,
The trinkets never worn,
And ornaments never touched.
Empty rooms…
Filled to the brim,
Still manage to echo with the absence of sound.
Empty rooms I fill with music,
Flat notes I’ve failed to hear.
Empty rooms…
Always living in an empty room.
Blank spaces, white walls and smooth floors.
Empty rooms I fill with things:
The long strings of unmade scarves,
The books I hadn’t thought to read,
The trinkets never worn,
And ornaments never touched.
Empty rooms…
Filled to the brim,
Still manage to echo with the absence of sound.
Empty rooms I fill with music,
Flat notes I’ve failed to hear.
Empty rooms…
Always living in an empty room.
Validation
Seeking validation
for something I know
to be true -
do you see me
the way I see me?
Or have you stuffed me
in a box,
labeled me
based on the false image
that stands before you?
People were not made
to fit,
people were not made
for categories…
But if you must,
please, don’t misclassify me.
Don’t make me out
as something I’m not.
Don’t mistake me.
Recognize,
acknowledge,
just tell me you see me
the way I see me.
for something I know
to be true -
do you see me
the way I see me?
Or have you stuffed me
in a box,
labeled me
based on the false image
that stands before you?
People were not made
to fit,
people were not made
for categories…
But if you must,
please, don’t misclassify me.
Don’t make me out
as something I’m not.
Don’t mistake me.
Recognize,
acknowledge,
just tell me you see me
the way I see me.
Conflicted
I am something unexpected,
Though unremarkable at first glance.
I seem straightforward,
But under the skin
I am a tangled mess of
Unanswered questions, of
s-stutters… and pauses,
of disasemblement and disseparation,
of words made up and mispronounced.
I am obviously subtle,
Obliviously aware.
I am intelligent, but not smart.
I am always backwards in coming forwards
When I start at the beginning,
Reveling in my organized disarray.
I am full of contradictions,
Both straightforward
And unexpected.
Though unremarkable at first glance.
I seem straightforward,
But under the skin
I am a tangled mess of
Unanswered questions, of
s-stutters… and pauses,
of disasemblement and disseparation,
of words made up and mispronounced.
I am obviously subtle,
Obliviously aware.
I am intelligent, but not smart.
I am always backwards in coming forwards
When I start at the beginning,
Reveling in my organized disarray.
I am full of contradictions,
Both straightforward
And unexpected.
Truth Later
Born lying,
my body betrays me
before I get a chance
to say what I mean.
That person in the mirror
is not right,
not what I should see,
not what I want to see.
I change my appearance
to love the way I look,
but must punish
my lying, deceitful body
in order to tell the truth.
I must inhale…
and exhale…
in order to continue.
But my truths,
they leave me breathless,
my ribs aching and complaining.
To live, I discover,
I must continue to lie…
But only for a little while.
I do not wish
to lie forever.
my body betrays me
before I get a chance
to say what I mean.
That person in the mirror
is not right,
not what I should see,
not what I want to see.
I change my appearance
to love the way I look,
but must punish
my lying, deceitful body
in order to tell the truth.
I must inhale…
and exhale…
in order to continue.
But my truths,
they leave me breathless,
my ribs aching and complaining.
To live, I discover,
I must continue to lie…
But only for a little while.
I do not wish
to lie forever.
Searching For A Metaphor
Like a whipped dog,
I sit in the glow
of the radiance you emit,
but on the dark side
of the sliding glass door.
Like an astronomer,
I watch and record
the celestial movements of your smile,
unable to do anything
but admire you
from my stony seat.
Like a frustrated composer,
I reach and extend
for the precise notes
that fall from you lips,
tearing my hair
when I fall flat.
Like a stranded dreamer,
I reach for you,
but you’re a door too far
and an ocean away
and across a depthless abyss
all at the same time.
I sit in the glow
of the radiance you emit,
but on the dark side
of the sliding glass door.
Like an astronomer,
I watch and record
the celestial movements of your smile,
unable to do anything
but admire you
from my stony seat.
Like a frustrated composer,
I reach and extend
for the precise notes
that fall from you lips,
tearing my hair
when I fall flat.
Like a stranded dreamer,
I reach for you,
but you’re a door too far
and an ocean away
and across a depthless abyss
all at the same time.
Never 'We'
Thank you.
I had been dormant, till then
Sleeping awake
But that one, brief moment,
Spark,
Shudder
Woke me up and I like you.
You are what I like.
And I cannot change that –
You are, I liked, before there was a ‘we’.
There is no ‘we’, though.
Never a ‘we’,
A ‘we’ would be... unexpected… unreal.
But that moment…
I would have been happier asleep.
I would not be thinking of ‘we’
And would just be continuing as you and I were.
But, awake I am
And now I stop
Another moment to wonder –
I like you.
You are what I like.
You are, I liked, before there was a ‘we’.
There is no ‘we’, though.
Never a ‘we’.
I had been dormant, till then
Sleeping awake
But that one, brief moment,
Spark,
Shudder
Woke me up and I like you.
You are what I like.
And I cannot change that –
You are, I liked, before there was a ‘we’.
There is no ‘we’, though.
Never a ‘we’,
A ‘we’ would be... unexpected… unreal.
But that moment…
I would have been happier asleep.
I would not be thinking of ‘we’
And would just be continuing as you and I were.
But, awake I am
And now I stop
Another moment to wonder –
I like you.
You are what I like.
You are, I liked, before there was a ‘we’.
There is no ‘we’, though.
Never a ‘we’.
The Way Things Are
Hearts are fragile things, indeed.
I took mine out,
placing it in you path.
I stuck around,
watching to see
what you’d do.
It must have been
mud colored
or covered with leaves
by some malicious breeze,
for you did not see it.
Even now,
you fail to notice,
though it’s stuck
to the soul of you shoe.
I took mine out,
placing it in you path.
I stuck around,
watching to see
what you’d do.
It must have been
mud colored
or covered with leaves
by some malicious breeze,
for you did not see it.
Even now,
you fail to notice,
though it’s stuck
to the soul of you shoe.
Ego, metaphorically speaking
Flirting with You involves:
multiple stab wounds, three
broken ribs, two black eyes,
a dislocated shoulder, a
shattered knee, 1 quart of 2
types diluted with whatever
dirt, and other particles of
grime that are ground in.
i now have a broken
rainbow collecting just
under the surface of my skin
- yellows, greens, purples
and blues. You have a loose
tooth and a mouth of tinned
blood dripping down your
rough chin.
none of this matters, my
skin is thick, my bones strong
and so are yours – i
would suffer through those
acute pleasures all for You,
just to do so with You,
but i didn’t count on You,
did not count on You
finding a way in and
twisting my heart out. You
walked in so casually - did
so much damage – and i
didn’t even stop You.
multiple stab wounds, three
broken ribs, two black eyes,
a dislocated shoulder, a
shattered knee, 1 quart of 2
types diluted with whatever
dirt, and other particles of
grime that are ground in.
i now have a broken
rainbow collecting just
under the surface of my skin
- yellows, greens, purples
and blues. You have a loose
tooth and a mouth of tinned
blood dripping down your
rough chin.
none of this matters, my
skin is thick, my bones strong
and so are yours – i
would suffer through those
acute pleasures all for You,
just to do so with You,
but i didn’t count on You,
did not count on You
finding a way in and
twisting my heart out. You
walked in so casually - did
so much damage – and i
didn’t even stop You.
The Ant
From my earthly vantage point,
I gaze at you in awe.
Clearly I see before me
an Atlas
strong enough to heft
the weight of the world
on his shoulders.
In your shadow,
anything I might be
stands as tall as an ant
posturing in front of Olympus.
Call me charlatan,
I have no choice
but to agree.
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